The Christian Testimony of M. J. Greene

[Note: A personal Christian Testimony is primarily intended to testify to one's saving faith in Jesus Christ. If misunderstood, this personal communication tool may be perceived as merely odd, confusing or embarrassing. This should not be. A Christian testimony should be transparent and reflective of its true purpose. There is not much the writer can do to assure the reader understands the true purpose other than to state the facts in the most complete, dignified and truthful manner possible. If honestly written, and sincerely received, a testimony of saving faith clearly identifies the writer as a child of the Most High God NOT because they CLAIM salvation, but because the truthful facts of their life TESTIFY to the conditions of a repentant heart and renewed mind producing true saving faith.

A true Believer's walk is strengthened and edified when they submit to the humbling process of inviting the Holy Spirit to commit to paper (or verbal testimony) that Believer's pre-conversion state of existence --a life of total depravity and certain doom. Many, including some who say they profess Christ, would be ashamed to reveal in the light of day the truthful facts, feelings and failings of their life. I am not ashamed to confess my need for the Savior; therefore I confess Him before men (Matt 10:32, Luke 12:8, Rev 3:5). I pray all who read my testimony of saving faith will not be influenced to affirm or criticize my life or walk, but rather, will be drawn by the Spirit of Truth, as God draws us to Him, with cords of love (Hosea 11:4) in order to know, believe, receive, love, obey and grow in His Saving Grace. This is my singular purpose in sharing my testimony.]

I was born Mary Jayne Haas in 1948 --one of countless blessed people sharing a birth year with the State of Israel. That fact has proven to loom large and meaningful as my life has progressed. I have chosen to bless and not curse His people and nation, by affirming the eternal place and purpose Israel holds in God's Redemptive Plan.

I was the only child born to parents who admitted their lack of interest in my arrival. This loss in my life significantly influenced my sometimes fearful and slow-to-mature trust in my Creator and my response in obeying Him as my heavenly Father.

Even though I lived with a series of total strangers until age five or six, I still sensed early in life that 'someone' strong and loving was ultimately watching over me, providing the security and direction not evidenced in my physical life or interaction with those charged with my care. It would be many years before I began to truly know and trust my heavenly Father --since no reference to the truth of God's love for me was ever made by my mother or the series of father figures who passed in and out of my life.

In my adult life, I've reflected on this lifelong sense of 'security' --knowing I've never been out of God's sight --even before I came to trust and obey Him as my Savior and friend. An only child, I was often referred to as 'quiet' 'friendly' and 'serious.' In middle age now, I'm still generally thought of as quiet, friendly and serious, even though I enjoy healthy humor as much as anyone and I've been known to get boisterous when the occasion calls for it. I thank my LORD for his longsuffering patience. "He's still Workin' on Me" is one theme song I claim.

By the time I was in upper grade school, my ability to question and wonder about this awesome God I did not yet know was blossoming. Other classmates shared with me from their family experiences of attending church and their religious faith. Several friends were eager to influence me, among them a Catholic, an Episcopalian, a Christian Scientist, a Baptist, and a Pentecostal. What a cauldron of confusion for a young girl to try to sort out! And, as was expected of most gentiles, I only observed Jewish faith from a distance --never knowing that later in life I would discover the meaning and importance of the Romans 11 Hebraic roots of our Christian faith..

By 1960 as a sixth grader in San Diego I was allowed to walk several blocks to church alone. My mother gladly encouraged my time away from home. I remember wanting so much to 'embrace' the rituals my Catholic friend eagerly tried to teach me. Attending Mass with her was a mysterious and ominous experience, but never revealed the level of light and understanding necessary to identify my need for salvation through Jesus alone. [Parents: YOU, not others, hold the key to your children seeking, finding and growing in their faith. This cannot be delegated!]

The Episcopalian experiences seemed less 'heavy' than the Catholic rituals, but also failed to provide the relationship with God my soul craved. Attending a few Christian Scientist services offered nothing different than any secular meeting. I couldn't understand the spiritual connection between 'science' and the God of science. The Baptist memories are not as distinct as my 'high church' memories, but my memories of love and fellowship enjoyed with the girl's family are vivid. Regarding the Pentecostal influence, I don't remember actually attending any services, although the joyful girlfriend continued to express interest in assisting my spiritual quest.

As a pre-teen in the midst of all this confusion, I made the 'comfortable' decision to begin attending a Methodist church. It appeared to be a 'safe, middle of the road, one size fits all' solution to my curiosity and spiritual need. I began attending there until I went to college, securely sensing I 'belonged' in that church. I eagerly participated in most of the congregation's activities --Sunday school, worship service, choir, youth group, potlucks, craft bazaars, summer camps, and plays. My favorite memories are of singing. During High School when I sang in the Hallelujah Chorus at Christmas, I felt a warm and fuzzy closeness to this God I thought I knew.

The pastor was stern, yet displayed character that commanded my voluntary respect. At that time in my life, he was one of the few male figures modeling what God expects of men. To this day, I remember receiving my first Bible from him as I was promoted from junior to senior high Sunday school. He wrote in the Bible he presented to me this scripture, James 4:7-8: "Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you. Cleanse your hands, ye sinners, and purify your hearts, ye double minded." It would be 7-8 more years before the Holy Spirit prepared my heart and mind to receive the truth of those words in my life, bringing me into a walk with my heavenly Father who'd planned from eternity past to draw me to Him. [This aspect of my testimony should not lead you to think I affirm Five Point Calvinism. I do not but that's another tract for another time.]

At the same time I was attending the Methodist Church, I also became involved in the Rainbow Girls, a Masonic sponsored girl's fellowship. In 1960, in San Diego this was considered a legitimate, safe, character building activity for young girls. Again, my being away from home was appealing to my mother. Not nearly as sophisticated as the ballet, cheerleading or cotillion past times enjoyed by many of my friends, Rainbow Girls did fit my continuing 'quiet, friendly and serious' personality. The secret rituals, the pleasant 'spiritual' environment, the beautiful, flowing ballroom dresses, the sense of 'duty to mankind' and the life structure I needed, were abundantly available in this soulish yet soul damning activity.

I progressed through the Rainbow ranks to the highest office, Worthy Advisor. I valued the friendship of the many girls with whom I learned to follow, lead and develop my administrative and public speaking skills. With no parental guidance or understanding of the Bible that would expose the false spiritual foundation of this organization's creeds, valuable years of my life were wasted as I embraced what I thought was truth --not knowing noble words and high human ideals are useless, unless they are rooted and grounded solely in the Truth of the Living Word. I chose as the theme of my Worthy Advisor term, "Service is the Fulfillment of Love." How true and high minded that motto sounded. It filled the void in my life --for a season.

When I was an eleventh or twelfth grader, the Holy Spirit brought me to the first spiritually decisive crossroad of my short life. Now, as I look back, I believe I must have arrived at my age of personal accountability, a time and place at which, every person, if they continue on that road without the benefit of a life dead in Christ, walks in the path of eternal peril (Romans, Chap 6). The Holy Spirit's call is eternally significant as He whispers conviction in our conscience, revealing our need for the Savior. For our temporal and eternal benefit, we must heed this call.

In high school I was presented with the clear and concise truth of the Gospel that saves one's soul. An adult Methodist youth group worker, whose example we'd come to trust and follow, made it very clear one Sunday evening that we must examine the veracity of our walk. We were cautioned to consider whether we'd truly received Jesus, or whether we were counting on a superficial evidence of faith to declare our relationship with God. [This aspect of my testimony should not lead the reader to think I automatically affirm the truths presented by many denominations. I do not. What I experienced in the mid 1960's is possibly far removed from the typical practice of many denominations today.]

I cannot remember Lucifer's exact working in my heart and mind to dissuade me from what should have been a healthy sense of fear --a fear of losing all I thought I had gained in my several years of an apparent relationship with God. But I do remember hearing, but allowing to pass, the opportunity to submit my will to God's will, and thereby receive the benefit of saving grace leading to eternal life. I did not come forward publicly with others to affirm my identification with Jesus as my Lord and Savior. I kept right on thinking and saying I loved God, enjoying church activities and probably thought I was bound for eternal glory, had anyone been able to pry into my inner thoughts. At that crossroad, I resisted the wooing of the Holy Spirit. 'Quiet, friendly and serious' rebellion became firmly entrenched in my life until age 24. My church attendance and enthusiasm for the LORD slowly waned as I moved into my young adult years after high school.

During those rebellious years I walked in the ways of the world and began to forget the security of His loving care that had so perfectly kept me. I became more interested in self, less interested in pursuing the command to seek selflessness. Yes, according to the world's standards, I was acceptable and seemingly on the right track --pursuing life, liberty and happiness, i.e., 'finding' and pleasing myself. But the greater truth was this: God is longsuffering, that none should suffer in eternal separation from Him. He continued to watch over me as I walked in my own ways. It is nothing short of miraculous that He held back His hand of judgment, waiting for me to die to self.

I entered San Diego State University in 1966. Because it was an acceptable, socially-advancing activity, my mother urged me to join a sorority. The secret rituals of Gnos, Phos, Bios, ('Knowledge is the Light of Life') became the advanced version of my previous Rainbow Girl service-fulfilling acts of love. The words of James 4:7-8 were replaced in my mind and heart with the more alluring and carnally promising pursuits of higher education and socially acceptable activities. I remember a particularly ineffective effort to evangelize me by the father of one of my sorority sisters. He was staunchly loyal to the denomination Church of Christ. This man, whom I'd never before met, privately took me behind closed doors, almost as if to demonstrate what he was about to do was shameful. He opened a Bible, reading a scripture I cannot recall, and spoke as a Pharisee, harshly condemning me. I quietly listened as he told me I must now, before him, confess I was a doomed sinner and receive Christ. I told him I knew and loved God, and thanked him, but refused to follow his lead. While on vacation, after I'd been saved 13 years, I again had an opportunity to interact with my friend's family. I was saddened to see the outward, starched and pressed 'faith' that overflowed in this family. It was not a genuine reflection of the true Savior I was learning to know, love and obey. All those years earlier my spirit had properly sensed that while that man's words were truthful, the message he offered was a lie. [We must humble ourselves to reflect only Christ's love, if others are to see Him in us. This can be a hard lesson to learn as those of us with strong faith learn to maturely testify.]

After college I traveled to Europe but felt only a sense of emptiness after visiting nine countries. Increasingly, I reflected a growing sense of having lost my moorings in life. I had studied psychology and was fascinated with the 'insight' it gave me as I struggled to understand my life journey. I had not been out of college very long, however, before I realized psychology and philosophy ask all the questions but provide none of the answers an examined life needs, examined by the Light of the Word. The fruit of my dead walk was producing myopic vision, hindering my ability to make sound decisions and walk in the ways of Bible truth. My quiet resistance to the Holy Spirit several years earlier was reaping what I'd sown.

After college I married a brilliant and hard working engineering student. A Lutheran pastor married us in my in-law's home. Neither one of us could have claimed salvation, so we were equally yoked, each to an unbeliever and bound for damnation. I still lived an eclectic mixture of Methodist, Rainbow and 'warm and fuzzy' faith. I wanted to 'include' God in my wedding, acknowledging His ownership of this most sacred human commitment. I asked to have included the scripture that spoke about "Love believes all things and hopes all things." The pastor agreed to recite the 'Love Chapter', I Corinthians 13, in the ceremony. And still, the God who watched over my vulnerable life as a young child continued to cover me with the shadow of His protective wings, as I embarked on this final, rocky road to my day of significant destiny…..the day I met, received and submitted to Jesus, my LORD and Savior.

My heart's desire had been that I would live and love like Barbra Streisand had sung in Funny Girl: 'Sadie, Sadie, Married Lady." I was 'in love with love' and the thought of finally 'belonging' to someone provided a false sense of security. With no siblings, no earthly father, and no significant relationship with my mother that should have provided wisdom and counsel, I was not able to see the futility of pouring myself into what quickly became a marriage mockery before God. It was the only close relationship I had. I felt estranged from most of my previous 'friends' and no longer attended regular worship services. Almost from the beginning of the marriage, I found myself in a confused mix of fear and failure. But I kept asking myself, "Didn't the Bible teach that God honors and commands marriage? Didn't God tell us to be fruitful and multiply the earth? Didn't He admonish us, until death do you part?"

That was, literally, what may have been my end, physical death, at the hands of my husband, had I not been brought to my knees before my heavenly Father a few months into my marriage. Married to an outwardly successful man who privately hated much of what others took in stride, this angry Viet Nam veteran could not cope with life stresses. He displayed extreme violent outbursts. I became the most readily available target for his scorn and rage, always kept under cover from the world but unleashed at home. For years, I was entirely too afraid to do anything but submit to the intermittent violence he continued, and which I passively endured. I came to cringe and inwardly cower whenever Jane Fonda appeared on the TV at night. Her face alone could evoke deadly wrath before the night was over. I am one of millions of women who have either been scarred for life or killed at the hands of the man who vowed to love us for a lifetime. In His grace and mercy, God was preserving me for the greater good He willed.

Less than 3 months into my marriage, a young Catholic neighbor in the adjoining apartment lovingly confronted me with questions that may have saved my physical life. She suffered from a sleep disorder that programmed her body to need less than 30 minutes sleep per day. Awake so much, she naturally heard things that others who slept soundly may have missed. My privately suffered abuse was now public knowledge. This neighbor knew I needed spiritual and physical help. She attended mass at a nearby cloistered convent where she had become friends with a nun. She invited me to attend the garden convent services with her in this Memphis, TN suburb.

'Sister Regina' was like an angel sent directly from God to pluck me out of the real danger. However, it was not too many years later when I realized God's order of priority between mortal and immortal danger. God will allow any earthy grief imaginable, if it ultimately works for His greater good to bring us to Him in spiritual rebirth and growth. I attended mass a few times with my neighbor. Sister Regina offered her phone number, encouraging me to call her if I ever needed to talk. Within days of that offer, after a violent rage, my husband was relieved of active duty, and was confined to the base hospital for psychiatric observation. I was alone for two weeks of peace and quiet. I phoned Sister Regina. The Holy Spirit again moved on my life; I was ready to respond. This time my heart was open to the truth of the gospel.

As Americans, we all remember where we were when we heard of President Kennedy's assassination or the Shuttle Challenger explosion. But, can we say the same about the moment of our conversion? About the moment we received the new birth? About the moment we truly submitted our life to the Most High God? If we are blood-bought, born again sons and daughters of the only True God, we do recall that life giving moment. Those who profess faith must admit their need for salvation. Even those saved as children need to rededicate as adults. Are any of us less accountable than our Brother in Christ, Saul, redeemed to be the Apostle Paul?

I remember the soft light in the afternoon as it filtered through the living room blinds of my apartment in February or March of 1973. I remember the placement of the furniture and how I was sitting, curled up in a chair in my living room. I remember the 'quiet, friendly, serious' nature of my short conversation with Sister Regina. I knew I needed God in my life more than ever before, and I didn't feel confident to come to Him by myself. I needed someone to witness my surrender to Him. In a non condemning manner Sister Regina listened. I poured out my heart, telling her I was afraid and knew I needed God's help. She asked me if I'd ever received Jesus' atoning sacrifice for my sin. She asked if I'd truly surrendered my life to Him. I had not. I had been prideful and independent and entirely removed from the many years of truth I'd heard in my younger years in church. But, Praise God, His Word does not return void if we will but hear. At every moment He is ready to welcome our surrender.

On that spring afternoon, this humble, cloistered nun led me in a simple prayer of confession and faith. She told me if I sincerely confessed my need for Jesus Christ as my Savior --if I believed that He died for me, receiving the atoning work of His substitute death on the cross, He would live within me and I would live with Him for eternity. That afternoon, the burdens of my life rolled away and I received the manifold joy of walking with the God of the universe, the same God who had patiently waited for me to return my life to Him, the life He had preserved from death, many times over. [This aspect of my testimony should not lead the reader to think I embrace or affirm Catholicism. I do not. I simply marvel at the varied and often miraculous methods God uses to work His will in our lives. I believe I will see this woman in eternity. She shared with me the pure truth of the only gospel of salvation and Jesus' undying love for us all.]

After our new birth and repentance, God DOES remove the eternal penalty of our sinful life, but He DOESN'T necessarily remove the consequences of our previous wrong decisions. Fifteen more years of pain and persecution in this marriage produced the fertile ground God used to grow my faith to levels beyond what I could have arranged by walking an easier 'garden' path. Three wonderful children were born to me during those fifteen years. I thank God for the opportunities He's given me to share His soul saving love with them.

Upon arrival at my husband's next duty station in California, we were required to report to the Navy Chaplain. He sincerely but firmly informed me in private that he and the psychiatrists were recommending I immediately divorce my husband, now labeled a misogamist and psychopathic maniac. An etched-in-my-memory recollection, I paused before I spoke, and then offered this quiet, friendly, serious response to the chaplain. "I thank you for your concern, but I've discovered that God's love is stronger than any problem I can endure." Nearly 30 years later, I can attest to this truth, and, even though it's been extremely difficult arriving at this point, I feel a genuine forgiveness of this man, and a peaceful resolution to that testing time in my life.

Without the benefit of the sound spiritual leadership God calls men to provide their family's, my walk was slow and sometimes disjointed during those early, important faith-building years. Always highly interested in the sermons and depth of Bible exposition by many pastors, evangelists and teachers I heard, I caught what good teaching I could on the radio and now and then on TV. As we moved, my children and I attended Baptist, Christian, Brethren, and Disciples of Christ congregations. Group Bible study was my favorite spiritual activity in addition to attending worship services.

Fundamental congregations urge their members to make frequent altar calls. I remember at least one joyful time in San Diego in 1977 when I came forward to "rededicate' my life to my LORD at College Avenue Baptist Church. There was no resistance this time. No inner doubts and shame as I publicly declared my continuing surrender to my Savior. Then, in 1978 our family moved to Cedar Rapids, Iowa. I began to really grow up out of my spiritual infancy and into the beginning stages of youthful, yet sincere study of all God's truth in His Living Word. I was blessed to attend Noelridge Baptist Church where much foundational work was accomplished by the Lord through my attendance in Sunday school, worship service and any activity the church sponsored. Not long after I began attending there the Pastor expressed concern because I spoke so enthusiastically of my faith and walk with my Savior BUT, that I had not been baptized. This type of 'confession' gives Baptist pastors a scare! It was important to him to know why I had not experienced this critical rite. I told him I really didn't know why, that I don't remember it ever being offered to me before. I told him I had no problem with him baptizing me if that was his counsel. He declared he would feel more comfortable with my walk if I did take this step of obedience. "Absolutely" was my response. My two small daughters watched one Sunday night in 1979 as I again publicly declared my faith, being baptized the first time in a church baptistery. Later, I again reaffirmed my faith as I was immersed in the chilly waters of the Jordan River in 1996 --the same waters where John baptized Jesus. [This aspect of my testimony should not lead the reader to conclude I embrace or affirm the doctrines of baptismal regeneration or the insistence on immersion to qualify the baptism. Baptism is a symbolic representation of an eternal spiritual reality. It is not the reality itself. In God's grace economy, baptism accommodates man's circumstance, not the other way around. One of the examples of the allowable 'exception' to the requirement that only immersion is sufficient is the example of a new saint living in a handicapped body, incapable of immersion. That soul is as saved as anyone, despite their inability to be immersed. While true baptism cannot be accomplished if the one being baptized is not of sufficient age to understand the sacred act, equally errant is the notion that one's salvation is not 'sealed' unless one is baptized. Otherwise the thief on the cross would not NOW be in glory, his 'salvation minus immersion' would declare Jesus' promise a lie, which is not possible. We are so much in need of constant surrender to a living faith that is not preprogrammed and defined by the traditions of men!]

I prayed early in my walk that God would develop in me the desire to diligently study His word, that I would know His truth, discerning it from error, allowing me to walk in newness of life, in true regeneration. Honoring my desire, God bountifully blessed me in 1979 by bringing me into Sunday school classes based in two tiny powerhouse books, one by Major Ian Thomas, If I perish, I Perish and Principles of Spiritual Growth by Miles Stanford.  The principle of Christ living my life as my flesh dies daily has been a cornerstone of my identity and growth.  I’ve shared these truths for years with whoever will listen to my endorsement of a life dead in Christ.  As I studied these truths in the seventies they reaffirmed the earliest components of a Holy Spirit-led walk I’d been taught during my first Bible study in San Diego in 1974.  I still remember learning as a new follower of Christ by the simple diagrams of a little straight back chair representing the throne of my life and how I made my choice to either allow the Cross to reside on the throne or allow my ego to take me down carnal paths. I continue to learn these lessons as our gracious, triune God conforms my life to Christ.

In 1989, God used the wife of a Nazarene pastor to challenge me to grow to an even higher level of understanding and commitment. She counseled me to embrace the wonderful implications of my eternal life. We all 'know' eternal life is the main 'benefit' of our salivation --to escape the wrath to come --but most do not truly understand how that ought to shape our walk on this side of the grave. When I began to appropriate this truth it made the trials of this life so much more meaningful in God's perfect will for me. I logically changed my prayers from 'now' concerns to seeking opportunities to pray about truly important eternal issues. This in turn led me to finally ask the question, "Just exactly, WHAT do you want me doing with my life, Lord?" In 1994 I reached another milestone in my journey to Calvary and beyond. I completed a thirteen week Bible study using Henry' Blackaby's Experiencing God: Knowing and Doing the Will of God. The now well internalized understanding that I am to join God in His work rather than looking for Him to bless my work is the theme of this valuable study. The gifts of the Holy Spirit he has given me are the gifts of administration and spiritual discernment. When we finally know ---who we are in Christ, where He's leading us, why and with the particular tools He provides, minus the 'baggage' of self imposed importance, then ---"Where He Leads, I Will Follow" becomes a welcome theme song of our lives. The 'where' often does not correlate to a change in geography but a change in attitudinal perspective. When we agree to follow the Good Shepherd in this manner, He will take us to spiritual places we could never find on our own, and just as surely, He will lead us away from dangerous spiritual paths we had no way of knowing were dead ends.

Nothing life has thrown at me has ever kept me down for long, although I admit I've been pretty 'beat up' at times by 'the world, the flesh and the devil'. I know God holds me in the palm of His hand, and just as Betsy ten Boom declared in her last days before dying in a Nazi concentration camp, I believe "no pit is so deep that He is not deeper still". I encourage all reading my testimony to trust Jesus implicitly. A second failed marriage to a man with whom it appeared I was equally yoked in Christ brought into my life his children to love and nurture. I raised two wonderful step children from the time they were 5 and 9. It is my first, strongest, and continuing prayer that all five of my now adult children, their spouses, and children will yield to the Holy Spirit, and in God's perfect timing, publicly profess and affirm their saving faith in Jesus, as they grow in grace. It is the duty of ALL parents to never cease prayerfully supporting their children to this end.

Every thread of Christian experience is significant as our gracious, merciful heavenly Father continues to weave the tapestry of our lives. I think I've stopped trying to examine the tapestry of my life from the backside, where the knots and bumps and blurred colors don't reveal the majesty of the work He's weaving on the front side. I continue to experience untold miraculous and revelatory times of maturing as well as devastating spiritual lessons nearly 32 years into my walk of Faith. But, I firmly agree with the Patriarch Job: "Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him". (Job 13:16)

No doubt the reader has recognized a strong theme of my life and testimony as God has continued to use my trust and obedience for His glory. Apologetics and discernment training are the focus of my work in serving the Body of Christ. The 501(c)3 educational foundation, Paraclete Press Research Service, Inc., is headquartered in East Tennessee. I am working with a Board of Directors and other committed believers to develop the East Tennessee Theological Museum and Research Center in Sevier Co. TN. Through the work of this non profit foundation my goal is to provide Christians with knowledge to affirm Bible truth and refute the errors of apostate, false, cultic and superficial teachings. This is a much needed work today. Many otherwise well meaning members of the Body are deluded, holding to beliefs and practices that conflict with sound doctrine and erode their faith and walk and witness. We must examine the veracity of our professed faith and beliefs. (2 Cor 13:5)

Please feel free to contact me through my web site www.pprsinc.com or POB 4778, Sevierville, TN 37864. I pray my testimony glorifies only the saving grace offered by Jesus' substitute death in my place, His ransom pardoning me from my sin. He alone is the One I praise. © Paraclete Press Research Service, Inc. 6/11/02 Last revised 6/13/05